Trump Sycophantic Moron Alina Habba’s Third Marriage

One of President Donald Trump's favorite personal attorneys is getting married for the third time this weekend, this time to a billionaire who is 13 years younger than she is.

Alina Habba, 42, must be positively giddy knowing she has now entered the rarefied world of three marriages, placing her shoulder-to-shoulder with her former idol and patron saint of serial matrimony, the Great Leader himself.

Habba is set to marry Turhan Mildon, 29, heir to a powerful Turkish business dynasty that reportedly enjoys close ties to Turkey's strongman president, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan.

According to reports, Habba and Mildon first met at a Washington, D.C., gala held at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. The Great Leader was reportedly in attendance, perhaps gliding majestically across the dance floor while swaying to his favorite romantic ballad, "YMCA."

Nothing says "sexy beast" quite like a eighty-something orange grandfather pumping his fists to a song that he still doesn't fully understand.

The Daily Mail broke the story, reporting that Habba finalized her divorce from her millionaire second husband in March and then promptly relocated to the Mar-a-Lago area, where she was recently seen enjoying Palm Beach nightlife with her youthful fiancé.

Now here's where things get interesting.

Unlike the Great Leader and many of his fellow travelers, Habba is dating downward in age rather than upward in Medicare eligibility.

In the sacred teachings of Trumpism 101, a woman over 40 is typically classified somewhere between "expired milk" and "historical artifact." Therefore, at 42, Habba officially qualifies as an old hag.

This marriage is truly a two-for-one special.

Old hag bags youngster.

Youngster bags old hag.

Everybody wins.

Well, almost everybody.

Should poor Turhan someday experience a temporary loss of enthusiasm after seeing the old hag unclothed, perhaps the Great Leader can come to the rescue with a crate of industrial-strength Viagra and a motivational speech.

Just thinking about that scenario makes my skin crawl.

Frankly, I'd rather spend an afternoon watching archival footage of Phyllis Diller modeling bikinis on Malibu Beach while reading IRS tax manuals.

The happy couple recently made a grand appearance in Palm Beach, arriving hand-in-hand at an upscale restaurant while photographers eagerly documented every breath, blink, and bite of filet mignon.

Most noticeable was the enormous diamond ring adorning Habba's finger.

Experts estimate the stone weighs at least 23 carats.

Now hang on a minute.

Twenty-three carrots?

What's everybody getting excited about, Delmas?

I checked online and found a five-pound bag of whole carrots at Sam's Club for $4.47. I'm pretty sure there are at least 23 carrots in the bag.

What?

Oh.

You're saying it's not 23 carrots.

It's 23 carats.

A diamond.

Well, la-dee-da.

I did some checking, Delmas, and you can buy a 23-carat cubic-zirconia ring for around fifteen hundred bucks.

So, this turkey Turhan, and yes, the pun remains fully intended, wants everyone to think he's some sort of international high roller because he bought a giant shiny rock.

Color me unimpressed.

Now that Habba is about to tie the Great Leader with three marriages apiece, I am officially taking wagers of no less than $1,000 on who reaches marriage number four first.

My money is on the Great Leader.

After all, Melania looks about as enthusiastic these days as someone waiting to have a root canal performed by a lawnmower.

Sooner or later, she may decide she'd be happier with someone younger, quieter, and less orange.

Perhaps the pool boy.

Perhaps the UPS driver.

Perhaps literally anyone with a pulse.

In the meantime, place your bets early and often at:

www.greatleadersacharmer.org

Where every bet is guaranteed to lose money, but every laugh is absolutely free.