Latest ICE Recruitment Qualifications

According to sources whose credibility ranges from "questionable" to "absolutely hysterical," ICE has reportedly lowered hiring standards yet again in an effort to increase the number of government-certified goons on the payroll.

• Among the qualifications allegedly eliminated:
• If your IQ exceeds the speed limit in a school zone by at least 15 points, you're considered supervisory material.
• Maximum weight requirement increased from 300 to 375 pounds. Tactical wheezing is no longer a disqualifier.
• Convicted of assaulting your wife? If she was hospitalized for fewer than 20 days, welcome aboard.
• Minimum height requirement reduced to 4'10". Applicants under 5 feet tall will be issued an official government milk crate.
• Prior assault convictions? If you've kept it under five, recruiters admire your self-control.
• Card-carrying member of the KKK? Human Resources reportedly refers to this as "leadership experience."
• Convicted of assaulting a member of Congress? If the victim was a Democrat, your orientation packet is already in the mail.
• Ability to read and write remains optional, provided you can point aggressively with confidence.

The only hiring requirement that reportedly remains intact is that applicants cannot be color-blind.

This is understandable. The last thing management needs is some color-blind goon accidentally tackling, pepper-spraying, handcuffing, or body-slamming a white guy. The resulting paperwork alone could devastate an entire forest.

Wouldn't you agree, Delmas?

Furthermore, Delmas, insiders claim that any applicant possessing what recruiters call "Kryptonite Vision" and the miraculous ability to identify a brown person from three counties away receives an immediate $25,000 annual raise, premium parking, a shiny new badge, and command of a tactical goon squad consisting of 10 to 15 equally enthusiastic recruits.

Special bonuses are reportedly available for applicants who can use the words "patriot," "radical," and "threat to democracy" in the same sentence without laughing.

So, if you're unemployed, and both Walmart and the local gentlemen's club have informed you that you're "not quite the caliber of employee we're looking for," don't let this opportunity pass you by.

Where else can you earn a steady government paycheck while loudly explaining who loves America, who hates America, who is a communist, who is a socialist, who has Trump Derangement Syndrome, who is a danger to civilization, and who simply had the misfortune of being within 50 feet of you at the wrong moment?

Remember, opportunities like this don't come along every day.

After all, when competence becomes a hiring obstacle, standards must be lowered for the sake of equal opportunity.

And that's the American dream, Delmas: a badge, a pension, and just enough common sense to avoid chewing on the handcuffs.

Hey Delmas, who are those five guys in that picture. Oh, there a newly formed group of ICE Goons doing undercover work at the upscale Ju-Ni restaurant on Fulton Street I San Francisco. Why San Francisco Delmas? Border czar Tom “Its in the Bag” Holman said that’s where’d they find illegal immigrants with a master’s degree or PhD masquerading as bus boys.