Is Great Leader "The Man" When It Comes to Romance?

There are leaders.

There are legends.

And then there is The Love Dispenser.

Over the course of his remarkable career, Great Leader has been married three times, each wife possessing the essential qualification of being blonde or at least sharing the long-term strategic objective of blondeness.

Some men collect stamps.

Some collect baseball cards.

The Love Dispenser apparently collected marriage certificates.

Yet marriage was only a small chapter in the epic saga of a man burdened with gifts so extraordinary that they could not be confined within the traditional boundaries of marital bliss.

This was not his choice.

This was his destiny.

Like Moses.

Only with more golf courses.

Critics maintain that wedding vows should have represented a meaningful obstacle.

The Love Dispenser viewed them more as flexible guidelines.

After all, when women across the nation find themselves in romantic distress, what is a gentleman supposed to do?

Ignore their pleas?

Forward them to customer service?

Tell them to take a number?

Greatness doesn't work that way.

Greatness answers the call.

Then one day, from the distant and exotic land known as Playboy Magazine, emerged Karen McDougal.

Rumors soon reached her ears concerning The Love Dispenser's legendary reputation.

Internet reports, the most reliable source of information ever devised by mankind, suggested that Great Leader once finished second in a worldwide poll ranking the greatest lovers in history.

The winner?

Don Rickles.

An outcome still disputed by leading conspiracy theorists.

Nevertheless, Karen allegedly concluded that second place was close enough for government work.

Soon a ten-month romance commenced.

According to our sources, and by sources, I mean people who claim to know people who read things online, Karen's expectations were substantial.

Yet The Love Dispenser rose to the challenge.

Some called him determined.

Others called him brave.

His chiropractor called him frequently.

As the months passed, however, a new challenge emerged.

Stormy Daniels.

To ordinary men, this would represent a complicated situation.

To The Love Dispenser, it represented overtime.

Reports suggest Stormy contacted him with an urgent request for romantic assistance.

At that moment, The Love Dispenser faced a monumental decision.

Could one man simultaneously satisfy the expectations of Karen McDougal and Stormy Daniels?

Physicists were uncertain.

Engineers expressed concerns.

Several cardiologists began updating their résumés.

Yet The Love Dispenser pressed forward.

A meeting was arranged at the MGM Grand.

Not a coffee shop.

Not a restaurant.

The honeymoon suite.

Because subtlety had already packed its bags and left town.

Witnesses claim the evening was physically demanding.

How demanding?

According to noted health authority Anthony "Fat Tony" Salerno, The Love Dispenser's body weight declined from 260 pounds, 15 ounces to 260 pounds, 14 ounces.

One entire ounce.

For perspective, that's roughly the weight of three potato chips.

Olympic trainers were astonished.

NASA offered no comment.

Almost forgot one important detail.

While The Love Dispenser was tending to affairs of the heart, Stormy reportedly requested that the Rolling Stones classic "Can't Get No Satisfaction" be played in the room.

Whether this was intended as a compliment, a request, or constructive criticism remains a matter of scholarly debate.

Today, at age 82, The Love Dispenser has largely retired from active duty. The emergency hotline is quiet. The pager no longer beeps. The nation's romantic first-responder has hung up his cape.

And somewhere, perhaps, lonely women stare wistfully into the distance wondering:

"Who will answer the call now?"

A tragedy, really.

Particularly for anyone still searching for a little "Satisfaction."