The People’s Pedophile Protection Partnership (PPPP)

There are many exclusive organizations in America.

The Rotary Club.

The Elks Lodge.

The Country Club.

And then there is the most exclusive organization of them all: the Powerful People's Protection Partnership, affectionately known as the PPPP.

Membership requirements are simple.

You must possess at least one of the following:

Vast wealth.

Extensive political influence.

Three attorneys on retainer.

A public relations team capable of explaining how a five-alarm fire is actually a refreshing spring breeze.

The PPPP's motto is engraved in solid gold over the front entrance:

"Accountability for thee, but not for me."

Each year members gather at their annual convention to celebrate another successful year of escaping consequences that would have landed ordinary citizens in front of a judge before breakfast.

The opening ceremony features the traditional Parade of Excuses.

Some of the more popular excuses include:

"I don't remember."

"That was taken out of context."

"The media is attacking me."

"My remarks were obviously a joke."

"I'd like to answer that question, but my attorneys just fainted."

The keynote speaker is traditionally introduced as:

"The Honorable Grand Master of Deflection, Lord Protector of Plausible Deniability, Duke of Selective Memory, and Three-Time Winner of the Golden Gaslight Award."

A standing ovation usually follows, although several members later deny they were standing.

The convention's most anticipated event remains the annual awards banquet.

Among the prestigious honors presented:

The Platinum Amnesia Trophy

Awarded to the individual capable of forgetting more facts in a single hearing than most people learn in an entire lifetime.

The Golden Shovel Award

Presented for outstanding achievement in digging a deeper hole while insisting no hole exists.

The Lifetime Achievement Medal for Strategic Outrage

Reserved for those who spend years behaving outrageously, then become deeply offended when anyone notices.

The evening concludes with a touching candlelight ceremony in which members solemnly pledge:

"If I am ever caught, misunderstood, quoted accurately, recorded clearly, or presented with evidence, I shall immediately blame my enemies, the press, social media, the deep state, poor wording, lack of context, and if necessary, Mercury being in retrograde."

Critics have sometimes described PPPP members as shameless hypocrites.

This is unfair.

Hypocrites occasionally feel embarrassment.

PPPP members regard embarrassment as a dangerous weakness that can interfere with fund-raising, television appearances, and book deals.

So, let us salute these courageous warriors of self-preservation.

For while ordinary citizens merely live in reality, these remarkable men and women have dedicated their lives to the far more difficult task of explaining why reality is wrong.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a level of commitment few of us will ever achieve.