Kash Patel Finally Finds a Discount Romance

In a stunning development that surprised absolutely nobody, Kash "Greasy Thumb" Patel has apparently ended his relationship with country music hopeful Alexis Wilkins.

Now, calling Alexis a country music star is a little like calling a guy who once bought a fishing rod the next Ernest Hemingway. Alexis has about as much chance of becoming a Grand Ole Opry legend as Donald Trump has of being named Chief Ethics Officer at a political reform convention.

Sources close to the situation, most of whom were probably standing near the liquor cabinet, say Alexis was devastated. She reportedly called Kash in tears.

Not ordinary tears.

This was industrial-strength crying.

The kind that requires FEMA assistance and sandbags.

Meanwhile, Greasy Thumb was reportedly embracing a bottle of Chivas Regal so affectionately that the Scotch was considering filing joint tax returns.

As Alexis tearfully demanded answers, Kash responded with what he claimed was a famous quote from Marcel Marceau:

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Of course, there's one small problem.

Marcel Marceau was a mime.

His version was probably more like:

"..."

Followed by twenty minutes of trapped-in-an-invisible-box gestures.

Undeterred, Alexis asked the obvious question.

"Why are you dumping me?"

Greasy Thumb nervously cleared his throat and confessed:

"I found someone I can date and marry who's a lot cheaper than you."

At that point Alexis reportedly achieved a level of clarity usually reserved for Supreme Court decisions.

"You're a cheap loser. Goodbye."

Then she slammed the phone down with enough force to briefly interrupt satellite communications over three states.

The accusation stung.

Not because it was unfair.

Because it was accurate.

Greasy Thumb sat quietly for several moments, took another heroic sip of Chivas, and began plotting his revenge.

He would prove he wasn't cheap.

He would prove it once and for all.

He would pay Alexis's travel expenses to attend his wedding.

That's right.

A plane ticket.

Apparently in Kash's financial universe, that's the same thing as arriving at the church in a gold-plated limousine pulled by eight white horses.

Some people send engagement rings.

Kash sends economy class.

Now, to be fair, Alexis earned a Bachelor's degree in Business from Belmont University, worked as a congressional press secretary, and even appeared in small roles on Modern Family.

Whether any of that helps her singing career is another matter entirely, but at least it demonstrates she is capable of speaking in complete sentences without requiring subtitles.

Which brings us to Greasy Thumb's future bride, Louise "Lamb Chops" Jones.

Her reported communications portfolio currently consists of:

"Baa."

"Baa."

And, for formal occasions,

"Baaaaaaa."

In fairness, those statements are still more concise, more coherent, and significantly less confusing than most political interviews.

The real concern is whether Lamb Chops can understand English.

Because after several glasses of Chivas, Greasy Thumb reportedly begins speaking a dialect that linguists classify as "slurred election-year Scotch."

On the bright side, the relationship may work beautifully.

She says "Baa."

He says something unintelligible.

Neither understands the other.

And somehow that's still better communication than most couples manage after ten years of marriage.

If nothing else, Greasy Thumb can rest easy knowing he finally found the one thing he values most in a partner.

Not beauty.

Not intelligence.

Not compatibility.

Not love.

A lower monthly operating cost.

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