Friendly Tips for Encounters with ICE Goons

For reasons known only to whatever bureaucratic goblin runs HR, ICE agents tend to be a sublime blend of ignorance, macho delusion, and the comedic timing of a malfunctioning blender. These are people who failed at stand‑up comedy, failed at empathy, and failed at basic human decency —but somehow succeeded at landing a job funded by your tax dollars.

A jittery, overweight, rage‑powered ICE trainee starts at $70,000 a year, plus “locality pay,”which is government code for extra money because we felt like it. A veteran ICE enforcer —the kind who thinks the Constitution is a menu item —can haul in $145,000 annually for the privilege of stomping around like a clearance‑rack stormtrooper.

And here’s the part that should warm your heart: you’re paying for all of it.

If two ICE goons decide to harass you, shove you, or treat your 105‑pound spouse like a tackling dummy —and someone films it —congratulations! You’re funding your own government‑issued beatdown. Nothing says “USA”like paying six figures for someone to treat you like a pothole.

If your skin tone doesn’t match the “Ivory Soap Standard,” ICE enthusiasm may increase. So maybe consider investing in Bic White‑Out, since apparently “White is Right”and “Brown is Wrong”in the ICE Coloring Book. Walmart sells 0.68‑ounce bottles for $7.40. To fully disguise yourself, you’ll need 188 bottles, totaling $1,391.20 —which is practically a bargain compared to:

Five cracked ribs

A nose leaning left like it’s running for office

Four or five dental implants

A knee replacement that’ll make you walk like a wind‑up toy

Suddenly $1,391.20 feels downright thrifty.

Anyway, I feel spiritually refreshed knowing I’ve once again performed my patriotic duty by offering essential survival tips for anyone targeted by one or more ICE goons. Public service: completed