FBI's Kash Patel and Bestiality

I was listening to Kash “Ice Pick Willie” Patel’s interpretation of upholding his oath of office — and the one he took after graduating from Pace University School of Law — while he testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee. It was breathtaking in its sheer, awe‑inspiring absurdity.

Knowing that his chances of landing a decent-paying job with a New York City law firm were about as good as being invited to join the Chippendales, I kept listening.

After hearing Ice Pick Willie’s take on bestiality, I figured it behooved me (pun absolutely intended) to research the issue. So off to Google I went. And what did I find? Bestiality means someone having sex with an animal. Damn, brothers and sisters — who would’ve thought?

My first concern was the spelling. Who decided to leave out the “a” in “bestiality”? The genius who defined sex with a beast by starting the word with “best” would lead any reasonably intelligent person to conclude that maybe — just maybe — these guys were the best at fooling around with their favorite member of the animal kingdom. No proof, of course. Just a thought I had during my morning constitutional.

Then I considered the term “beast” in the context of scouting for a girlfriend or boyfriend at a zoo — say, the famous Columbus Zoo where Jack “Jungle Jack” Hanna once roamed. That led me to discover the term “Zoophilia,” which refers to someone attracted to animals and shopping at the zoo for a future date or mate.

I’ve been to the Columbus Zoo several times, and zoos in Toledo, Detroit, Los Angeles, Louisville, and Folsom, California. If memory serves, I never saw signs like:

“If afflicted with Zoophilia, please leave your camera at the security office.”

“Anyone caught reaching through the bars to stroke a monkey will be escorted out by unemployed ICE agents.”

“Caution: Fondling or attempting to fondle a porcupine is grounds for immediate removal.”

During his limp audition for a future gig as a stand-up comedian, Ice Pick Willie testified that he personally changed FBI hiring rules to prohibit anyone involved in “bestiality.” And he wasn’t even slightly embarrassed. In fact, he seemed to be channeling Foster Brooks — the legendary falling-down drunk from the Dean Martin Roasts.

Not to worry: Ice Pick Willie won’t face any copyright infringement claims. His performance wasn’t nearly as good as the night he first met Stormy Daniels and escorted her to the Big 6 Motel for a little horizontal recreation while “Just a Fool” by Christina Aguilera played on the radio.

Now, let’s take a moment to review exactly which animals a Zoophilia‑afflicted individual might pursue:

Lion: If you’re into rough sex, I’d be lion if I said it wasn’t possible.

Kangaroo: Time limit: 3 minutes, while “At the Hop” by Danny and the Juniors plays.

White Rhino: Of course — but only a white one, and only when the rhino is clearly in the mood.

Cheetah: Perfect for someone who doesn’t want a partner who’ll rat them out for cheetan on their main squeeze, Sarah the White Rhino.

Pygmy Hippo: Ideal for beginners. Preferably a virgin hippo. Bonus: no expensive step ladder required.

Texas is the largest sheep-producing state in the country, with lambs leading the way. Documented cases of a feller (aka Texas Longhorn) doing the dirty with “Bambi the Dam” (a child-bearing sheep) are scarce. But a sometimes-reliable source recently told me a Longhorn, longing for a sexual encounter with a newborn sheep, was heard yelling, “Ewe-ee, she be a real looker!”

Would you feel comfortable knowing an undercover FBI agent officially diagnosed with Zoophilia was assigned to investigate your sheep operation? Yeah — just what I thought. Big no-no.

And lastly, rumor has it several disgruntled FBI agents caught Ice Pick Willie auditioning for a remake of Mr. Ed, the Talking Horse, though his performance more closely resembled Francis the Talking Mule. When confronted, Ice Pick Willie sheepishly (pun intended) claimed he was “just horsing around.”