Hey, Y’all — Excited as I was about Trump’s $5,000 voter gift?

I was practically doing cartwheels when I heard The Don was going to hand out $5,000 to every citizen in the country. That meant my wife and I would rake in a cool $10,000 — and I calculated that all by myself, without the usual assistance of my 6‑year‑old great‑granddaughter, who normally handles anything more complicated than tying my shoes. I felt like I was about to experience an artificial organism, if y’all know what I mean.

When I apprised my oldest daughter of The Don’s magnanimous (Delmas, that means big‑hearted), I mean altruistic (yes, Delmas, still big‑hearted) gesture, the family sage simply said:

“Dad, this isn’t real. He’s just trying to get people to vote Republican in November.”

After discussing the likelihood I’d ever see $5,000 from The Don, I assembled a trio of granddaughters — the modern‑day Three Amigos. I told Delmas to get a life, since us guys aren’t likely to ever reach the intellectual altitude of the average girl. Leaning on their perceptive resourcefulness, and after about five minutes of their advice and their synchronized sighing, we broke up. They returned to the Disney Channel, and I retreated to the basement to think the matter over.

This heavy drinking — oops, I mean thinking (is there really another kind for us guys?) — led me to ask myself the following:

Would a bookie in the Gambino crime family take my bet on a Yankees game after the game was over?

Would a forlorn, lonely guy spend $5,000 on a girl right after she dumped him?

When served with divorce papers, would the husband say, “Hey wait a minute, honey,” then sprint to the nearest florist to buy two dozen bright red roses as a thank‑you gift for her unbelievable show of affection after her process server lovingly handed him the papers?

After pondering the above, I agreed with the Three Amigos. Not only were they right — but nobody in the country is ever going to see The Don’s $5,000 gift. Well… maybe with the exception of someone named Natalie Harp. And especially if it were Natalie Lust, an actress and model in the adult entertainment industry, born August 13, 1993 — making her 33. Just about the right age to play footsie with The Don, since Natalie Harp was 35.

Please give me a break and do not accuse me of Harping on the Lust comparison for too long.

That was it for me. I decided I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for some fat man to descend from the sky — or the chimney — and fork over fifty $100 bills recently washed by The Don’s handyman, Big Lollipop Joey, an associate of the charitable Gambino Family Foundation in New York City.