Which State Will Be First to Legalize Hand Grenades?

(Because apparently, we’ve run out of normal things to argueabout)

Let’s get this out of the way: you’re probably wondering, “Who in their right mind would legalize hand grenades?” 

Adorable. You still think “right mind” is a requirement for public office.

Yet here we are, with a growing fan club of freedom enthusiasts who believe the Founding Fathers made one tragic oversight: they forgot to guarantee the right to carry a pocket‑sized explosive device to the Piggly Wiggly. These folks want grenades sold next to the AA batteries, stored in the sock drawer, and carried concealed —because nothing says “personal safety”like a 14‑ounce sphere of “Oops.”

Now let’s talk about the real reason this movement exists: your 85‑year‑old Grandma, who can’t see three feet in front of her but apparently needs battlefield‑grade ordnance to feel safe in her ranch house.

Be honest — when’s the last time you thought about Grandma’s tactical loadout?

Exactly. Shame on you.

And don’t forget 92‑year‑old Gramps, who still claims he “likes younger women.”

Relax, Gramps. We’re talking younger, not “call Chris Hansen.”

Fun Facts About the M67 Grenade

(Because nothing says “family bonding” like blast radius math)

Average soldier throw: 114 feet 

Grandma: 40 feet, assuming she doesn’t throw her shoulder out.

Gramps: 37 feet, assuming he doesn’t throw himself out.

Casualty radius: 20 feet 

Perfect for clearing out the church potluck.

Killing radius: 10 feet 

Great for “close‑quarters quilting disputes.”

And it weighs a mere 14 ounces, about the size of the T‑bone steak Grandma cooks for Gramps only when he behaves like a human being —which is roughly every other leap year.

Home Defense, Grandma‑Edition

Picture this:

A suspected home invader creeps toward Grandma’s house. She’s unarmed.

She’s in grave danger.

And yes, I know — “Grave danger?” 

Is there another kind?

But if Grandma is armed with her trusty M67, she simply cracks open a window, tosses it out, and boom — threat neutralized.

Sure, maybe the “threat” was actually the pizza guy from Godfather’s Pizza, but hey, at least she finally got someone associated with the Godfather.

The Real Benefit

With Grandma locked, loaded, and ready to redecorate the neighborhood, you can finally skip your nightly Ambien and sleep like a baby.

A baby in a war zone, but still — progress.