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Contribution disparity between Texans Dan Patrick and Vikki Goodwin
(Or: How I Lost Precious Hours of My Life That Could’ve Been Spent Watching Archie
Bunker Yell at Meathead)
In a heroic, self‑sacrificial attempt to uncover any disparities between the big‑money contributors backing Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick and his opponent, State Rep. Vikki Goodwin, I spent an absurd amount of time reviewing their campaign finance reports from January to June 2026.
This was, of course, a particularly agonizing disgorgement of my time — the kind of suffering usually reserved for dental work or listening to someone explain cryptocurrency. Worst of all, it interfered with my ability to watch reruns of All in the Family and Married with Children, which is frankly a violation of my constitutional rights.
My obsession with politics began early, thanks to my mom, dad, Grandpa Hank, and Uncle Bill — all of whom lived with us on Cherry Street in Toledo, Ohio. These fine folks indoctrinated me from childhood to pay attention to how politicians were “fixing” the country’s problems, both domestic and international. Spoiler: they weren’t.
My political training began during the Eisenhower administration and continued right up until JFK was assassinated on November 22, 1963. As an aside, I was serving in the Army in a combat zone as a certified court reporter and paralegal when the news broke.
When the assassination came over the airwaves at the Judge Advocate’s Office, the Sergeant Major — whose name I’ve mercifully forgotten — turned to Lt. Colonel Henry Oak and asked, “Does that mean we get tomorrow off, Colonel?”
The collective disgust in the room could’ve powered a small city. Colonel Oak, every JAG Major, every Lieutenant — all horrified. I’m going to take a wild leap and assume the Sergeant Major wasn’t a registered Democrat.
Now that I’ve delivered what some may call a lecture and others may call a homily (and still others may call “Dave’s TED Talk Nobody Asked For”), let’s get to the actual point: the glaring differences between contributions made to Mr. Patrick versus those made to Ms. Goodwin.
Below, I list only the contributors who gave $50,000 or more, because anything less is basically pocket change in Texas politics.
Use of My Trusty Antique Abacus (Yes, I still use it. No, I don’t care what year it is.)
The first abacus was used in Babylon around 2500‑BT —that’s “Before Trump,”for those keeping score. Oops — my memory slipped again. It was actually 2700‑BC (“Before Testament”).
My own abacus, which I lovingly named Dumbo, was made during China’s Song Dynasty (960–1279 AD). Dumbo may be old, but unlike certain politicians, he still performs reliable calculations.
Occasionally, thanks to my rheumatoid arthritis, I’ll move a yellow bead when I meant to move a black one. Luckily, my 6‑year‑old great‑granddaughter is usually nearby to correct me, because nothing says “aging gracefully”like being out‑mathed by a kindergartner.
Now, the Big Reveal: Patrick vs. Goodwin
When I finally compared the contributions made to Republican Dan Patrick and Democrat Vikki Goodwin, I was stunned — absolutely stunned — at how close the final results were. Neck and neck. A real nail‑biter. The kind of suspense you’d expect from a horse race, not a campaign finance spreadsheet.
To keep things simple and avoid confusion (and to prevent Dumbo from having a nervous breakdown), I’ve grouped the contributions as follows:
Category A — $100,000 to $400,000 Category B — $35,000 to $75,000 Category A Contributions from $100,000 to $400,000
Category B Contributions from $35,000 to $75,000
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