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The Birds and the Bees

birds and bees

Introduction
 
The following instructional booklet came about after I was apprised in late September 2007 that my youngest daughter Michelle (34 at the time) who is a producer in Hollywood had unexpectedly become pregnant for the first time.
 
Unfortunately my wife suffers from a well recognized and documented medical malady that prevents her from having boys. As could be expected, Michelle communicated this event to her sisters Angela (Columbus, Ohio) and Tina (El Dorado Hills, California) several days before I and/or my wife was informed of it.
 
Angela, being the loving daughter that she is, placed the blame on Michelle’s unexpected pregnancy on me by claiming that I (Good ol’ Dad) had failed to properly perform my Fatherly duties in alerting (aka, warning) her and her two sisters about the “bird and the bees.”
 
Shortly after I became aware of the pregnancy, Angela sent me an e-mail (copy below) regarding Michelle’s pregnancy.
 
After Angela’s initial e-mail there were several more that went back and forth between us, which you’ll see below. As a result of Angela’s lament, I decided that it’s really never too late for a father to do the right thing, if ya know what I mean. At the end of this instructional booklet, you’ll see my e-mail to Angela that went along with the booklet and her reply.
 
To Dad from Angela:
 
I have learned a very valuable lesson from my parents. For twenty-five years my parent’s did not discuss sex or birth control. Hence you have Greg and Alex. Apparently you failed to discuss this with your younger daughter for the PAST 25 years. It may be a difficult conversation for you to have – but should have had. It appears to me – since you never discussed it with anyone – that you only that you would have grandchildren. I on the other hand told Greg and Alex I gave them their penis to pee with and nothing else. I do not feel the need to have grandchildren to bring me happiness. Perhaps you should talk to someone about this.
 
To Angela from Dad:
 
Michelle is here, so I’ll have the discussion with her now. Any suggestions?
 
To Dad from Angela:
 
Tell her being pregnant – she will get really fat. She will be really sick. And it hurts like hell to give birth. That it is NOT her fault she is pregnant – it is yours and moms – because you two never told us how you can get pregnant. Thanks a lot Dad! Tell her I am looking up “what causes you to get pregnant and how to prevent it” right now on the Internet. Us girls need to know and our parents won’t tell us.
 
To Angela from Dad:
 
Well I’m really sorry that I failed in my duty as a Father. I really thought that years ago that after Tina walked in on us doing the thing that she would have learned a valuable lesson (I believe this may have been when Michelle was conceived) and that she would then have passed on this learning experience to you and then to Michelle. I guess she was either too naïve or just plain stupid. However, when time permits, I will author something for you and your sisters for your consideration in hopes that you will finally learn something. How does that sound?
 
To Dad from Angela:
 
That would be nice. Maybe we will be well informed on the process of making children. They say it is never too late. Is Michelle moving there? Did she get the memo when Ok Sun’s daughter’s have children – they must have Ok Sun’s input as none of her daughters are capable of being the mother she is. Another thing we were never taught.
 
After engaging in the above communications with Angela on September 25, 2007, I admitted to her and her sisters that I was remiss in failing to take each of them aside when they were younger and giving them an explanation regarding sex (aka, the Bird and the Bees). As they say, “It’s never too late.” With that said, I will now do what I should have done many, many years ago. Sorry girls!
 
 
Daddy's Instructional Booklet

 

Boys and girls are just an itsy-bitsy different. When little boys are born, they come with a little thing that looks like a pencil.  It is called a "penis" and they use it to go potty (pee-pee). As you'll eventually discover (us Dads are hoping its much, much later - like when you're 21 or even older) these pencil-like attachments are manufactured in varying sizes - like petite, small, medium, etc.

 

When girls are born, they don't come with anything that looks like or resembles a pencil. I guess we could say it looks more like a "pencil sharpener." Its called a "vagina" and it is also used to go potty (wee-wee).

 

As boys get older, their pencils get bigger. Of course there are some exceptions I suppose. Eventually little boys will venture out in an effort to have their pencils sharpened. And if they're lucky enough to find a compliant and/or willing pencil sharpener, then that's how little pencils or pencil sharpeners are made.

 

As you get older, you'll probably run into some boys that will brag about the size of their pencils. However, you'll likely discover that the bragging was in most instances pure bunk (BS).

 

Now, let's take a minute and talk about what happens after the pencil and pencil sharpener have made contact with each other. For the purposes of this part of the discussion, we'll pretend that the pencil and the sharpener are a rooster and hen respectively, okay?

 

When some bad little boy (Rooster) wants to show you his pencil, you (the Hen) should say no and tell Daddy what happened. And if Daddy's not around, then you'll have no choice but to tell your Mommy. Now when you get a little older (17 or so), little boys will become more agressive (obnoxious) in there attempts to show off their pencils.

 

If you do fall into the trap of allowing some bad little boy to use your pencil sharpener, then you could end up with what we big people call an "unwanted pregnancy." When that happens you'll begin to put on unwanted weight (you'll get fat) and you'll become much less attractive to other pencils.

 

After about nine-months of being pregnant, you will then deliver (I'm advised that this step is like really painful) one or more little pencils or pencil sharpeners. These little pencils/pencil sharperners are called babies or infants, and should or least we hope will resemble (look somewhat like) the pencil that caused the pregnancy.

 

When the newborn infant is born, and after you've spent nine-months tossing your cookies (vomiting); experiencing premature PMS; hungering for pickles; ranting (actually screaming) at the responsible pencil; receiving unsolicited coupons from Jenny Craig, and you have a figure like Rosie O'Donnell, the newborn should look just like Gregory did when he was born 25-years ago in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Within a few days the pencil or pencil sharpener will or should look much better when you visit him/her in the nursery at the local hospital.

 

If at all possible you'll want to avoid allowing your Mother to become the primary care provider (just kiddin) for your newborn. I'm not suggesting that you and Tina weren't or aren't in need of some maternal-mentoring. However, as we all know your Mom is the quintessential worrier when it comes to assuring that her grandchildren are being properly cared for. We further know that her primary concern is to assure that they (Gregory then, Trevor now) never, and I mean never miss a meal. As they say a picture is worth a thousand words.

 

As the child grows older, you'll experience a drastic reduction in the amount of time you can enjoy traveling/vacationing and/or wining and dining out with your designated pencil (aka, pencil of choice). Of course these problems can easily be overcome if you're willing to place the responsibility for raising your children in your Mother's hands. If you're willing to do this, then its off to Vegas, Tahoe and/or the wine country in Sonoma County whenever you desire - right Angela and Tina?

 

And of course it goes without saying that there are good things that happen when you become a parent. As soon as I figure out what the hell they are, I'll drop you girls a line.

 

The bottom line is, and I sincerely hope all of you are paying attention, is that unless you really want to place a limit on your free time and spend untold sums of money raising little pencils and/or pencil sharpeners; money that you could selfishly spend on yourself or even on your good ol' Dad, then I would suggest that when you see an approaching pencil that, you pack up your sharpener and get the hell out of town.

 

Now that I've finally performed my fatherly duties and apprised you of the pitfalls of messing around with a pencil, you may want to give serious consideration to a change of professions to prevent any further damage, and that profession is pictured below. Here tell these gals aint' supposed to get nun if ya know what I mean!

 

 Final E-Mails

 

Below you'll find Angela's email response after she received Dad's instructional booklet and Dad's replies.

 

To: Dad from Angela:    Dad - I can't THANK YOU enough for finally explaining to me the Birds & the Bees. You out did yourself!

 

To: Angela from Dad:     Thanks, I appreciate it. I trust that I won't be the recipient of any more grandchildren, right?

 

To: Dad from Angela:     Nope - I hate PENCILS!!!!!!!

 

By Dave Palmer - Copyright July 14, 2009