► Arthur Anderson Creative Accounting Award Winners (ca. 2000-2010) Print E-mail

Arthur Anderson Creative Accounting Award Winners (ca. 2000-2010)

By, I.M.A. Shyster 
First and foremost, I wish to express my sincerest gratitude to Mr. I.M.A. Shyster for his invaluable assistance.
The Watchdog is proud to announce the Winners of the Arthur Anderson Award for Creative Accounting. This prestigious award is given to attorneys who have gone the extra mile by billing their clients for work they never performed. To be fair, does it really matter if the attorney didn’t actually perform any legal services for their client?
Attorney Joyce Britton of Chicago
While employed as a sole practitioner by the Cook County Dept of Children and Family Services (DCFS), Ms. Britton billed the County as follows:
  1. 34.0 hours – Monday
  2. 44.0 hours – Tuesday
  3. 29.0 hours – Wednesday
  4. 33.0 hours – Thursday
  5. 25.0 hours – Friday
  6. 42.0 hours – Saturday
  7. 44.0 hours – Tuesday
  8. 251.00 = Total hours = 36.0 average hours per day
Because of her willingness to sacrifice for the children of Chicago, Joyce was only able to bill DCFS $671,825 for one year for services she didn’t provide. What a Gal!
Attorney David Romaine Pheils of Toledo
After an unsuccessful career in building inferior homes at inflated prices in Newark, Ohio, Pheils, at the age of 36 to embark on a new career as a lawyer. Pheils was convinced that bilking his clients as a lawyer would be much easier than it was when he was a builder.
Pheils’ exceptional accomplishments are as follows:
  1. 1 hour ($150) to read 22 simple words such as “a” and “the” = $6.80 per word
  2. 10 hours ($1,500) to drive 133 miles to Akron = 13.3 average miles per hour
  3. 86 hours ($13,000) to author a 1 ½ page generic answer to a lawsuit
  4. 11.5 hours ($1,725) for not attending 2 court hearings
In the recent past, Mr. Pheils testified that of the 40,000 attorneys in Ohio, he was in the top 10 for honesty and integrity. Goshes and Gollies, kinda makes ya wonder what in the hell the other 39,990 are or have been up to, right?
Obviously, Ms. Joyce Britton and Mr. David Romaine Pheils give a new meaning to the term “workaholic.” Their sacrifices on behalf of their clients are kinda overwhelming. In fact, I had to take a break while writing this article so that I could go fetch me a “dry towel.”
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